I almost cried

David is a photographer, graphics design, and software developer. Yup, all of those things. We get through all the back and forth communication nonsense (on eharm) and he writes me a message asking me if I will do a 5K with him on Wednesday (on Monday!). He says he will pay for my entrance fee (I guess to entice me to say yes). I respond back that I am busy Wednesday but that maybe we can work something out for another day and that Tuesdays are good for me. I hit send and without exaggeration, my phone rings 20 seconds later. My roommate can attest to it, Im not even kidding. I expected it to be a telemarketer cause it was from a number I didnt recognize. He says hey its David. Im completely thrown off and say, what? who? He explains and I almost pee my pants. He immediately starts asking me getting to know you questions and Im laughing so hard that I cant even generate a response to "Why did you decide to be a therapist?" and say "Um I just kinda picked it." My roommate tries to convince me not to go out with psycho stalker as he has started stalking pre first date. Were going out tomorrow night. Now I understand why I find all the crazies. I encourage this behavior.
So just got back from this lovely date and it turns out David not only has some Asperger's qualities, but he also dabbles in psychotherapy. Apparently he is very into reading articles on the mind and personalities and all that and after speaking to me for all of 20 minutes he diagnoses me with alexithymia. What is alexithymia you may be asking. Well according to wikipedia it is a state of deficiency in understanding, processing, and describing emotions. He asks me all sorts of questions about how I interact with people and about my past relationships and since I felt like I was talking to a shrink, I just told him exactly what I thought and felt (which in my mind is not showing deficiency, but whatever). So after he makes me feel like crap about myself and my inability to be in a loving and mutual relationship with other human beings, he insists that he wants to spend more time with me and find a place to go for ice cream. Now he decides to educate me on how I can run longer distances (as I divulged that I wanted to run a marathon but hurt my back and cant run over 5 miles anymore). He tells me that I need to run barefoot so that my body can self adjust to the most efficient way to run without getting injured. He insists that my feet will develop enough calluses and my calves will get big enough for this to work. I finally manage to politely tell him that it was time for me to go home. He walks me to my car, gives me an awkward hug, and then sprints yup sprints to his car. It was so fast! On the car ride home, I think about everything he said and tears start to actually well in my eyes before I decide I am not letting this freakazoid make me cry. I will cry on my own recognizance. I take the online test to see if I have this syndrome and the result is that I have some possible traits. Ok, some possible traits is acceptable. At least it didnt say Im void of emotion all together. Bright side: I learned a new word today.

Keeping my promise

I also dated a lawyer that lived in Hoboken. I promised that I wouldnt blog about him as he knows about the blog and is probably reading this right now. Bottom line, I actually liked him and the infamous commitment issues got in the way.

When you least expect it

So Ive been told time and time again that you find love when you least expect it. So I was looking over my roommates shoulder while she was viewing her eharmony matches and saw this cute looking navy guy. She said she wasnt going to respond to him cause he was too short (5'7" or 8"). I said that was fine for me and for her to send him my email address which is weird but at this point, Im not sure if it can get any weirder. So he emails me which is also kinda surprising cause if I was in his shoes and some guy told me I wasnt good enough for him, but my roommate was interested, Id tell him to F off. So he friends me on facebook which started a whole other issue as it forced me to set up a profile and now Im semi obsessed but I wont even go there. So we chat and he asks me to go out to dinner with him. He seems really normal, hes cute, sounds fantastic. We go to Marina Cafe on Staten Island. I meet him there as Im still not 100% sure he isnt going to try to kill me. He texts me before he leaves asking if there is any way he can get there without taking a bridge and paying the $8 toll. I respond no and automatically think hes a big cheapo. He texts me on the way to the restaurant saying he forgot cinnamon and asks me to pick up some. (Earlier that day, we had a bet to see who could swallow a teaspoon of cinnamon. I didnt really think he was serious and just sorta played along. he actually wanted me to stop at a store and pick up some. Obviously I didnt.) He then texts me that hes lost and is using a map to navigate his way there. I know he was in the navy and all but come on Magellan and get a GPS. He finally gets there and greets me with a hug. For those of you who know me, a hug was def not the way to go. That was the icing on the cake between the cinnamon, the toll comment, and the use of maps for navigation. There was nothing really wrong with him. He was just boring. He doesnt drink a lot, he works in a power plant, he just moved to Hoboken so he doesnt know that many people. This is all adding up to BORING conversation. No dull moments, just BBOORRRIINNGGGG! So today I sign on to facebook and see a comment on my wall asking me how the date was. I wonder if he has any comments on his wall, go to check, and realize that he defriended me. Ugh! Rejected by Mr. Boring. I guess I mustve been giving off some vibes at dinner. Especially when he kept asking what we were doing next and I avoided the question then claimed 930 was late and I had to get home (On a Friday). The navy is not for me and F that least expected BS.

Talk about sensitive

So here I am again. I guess now I should change the name since I'm 26 and still dating these freaks. I'm getting pretty tired of this nonsense. Ken is a special ed teacher in Hoboken. The first few dates that we went on, I was pleasantly surprised with how much I liked him. He also liked doing the same sorts of things (wine tastings, going out to eat, plays, outdoor activities). Valentines Day was about 3 weeks after we started dating. I didnt expect him to do anything and he totally blew me away. He took me to this really nice restaurant, got me a beautiful arrangement of purple flowers (one of my fav colors), make chocolate covered strawberries, got champagne, and even wrote me a poem. And I wasnt even freaked out by the poem. I actually thought it was really thoughtful and cute! Ok.. now the crazy is gonna start to set in. About 1 1/2 months after we started dating, I ask him to come to a bar crawl with me. He says he will let me know cause it was his fathers Bday. Ok, fine. He never mentions it again. I ask him the day before if he is gonna come, he says he will let me know then doesnt. So I assume he is not coming and go with my friends. He texts me while Im there and asks how it is. I say "Good, guess youre not coming." (He also has a text obsession and hardly ever calls which I think is strange, but whatever.) So he assumes that I am mad at him. He doesnt call/text for the rest of the day. I ask him if everything is ok.. he says yes, hes just busy. Ok fine so i will just let him contact me when he has some time. He doesnt call me for 3 days. I call him, text him, Im genuinely concerned. His grandfather was sick and he was home for the weekend. I thought something happened! Finally, after I go to his apartment to make sure he is alive, he calls me back and says he thought I was mad at him for not going to the bar crawl and figured I didnt want to see him anymore. What? Why would I do that? Ok, he obviously has some sort of fear of confrontation and as strange as this is, at this point the good still outweighs the bad. So I tell him that he needs to talk to me if he thinks something is wrong and we agree to put this past us. Everything is great for another 1 1/2 months. Wow..over 3 months. Im thinking this is an amazing record and Ive actually found someone who could be potentially normal! Wrong! I text him to hang out one day (cause our relationship revolves around texting which is annoying and dumb but again at this point, a flaw I can deal with). He says probably but Im not sure whats going on with softball (he coaches a team). Let me get back to you. 330 comes and I still havent heard from him. I text him to ask what the deal is. No response. He finally responds at 7. I call him an ahole for not responding to me and he says that I should have been independent and made my own plans. I tell him that I did make my own plans. I went out to dinner but thats not the point. We go back and forth for a while and some insults are exchanged, I had a few sake martinis at dinner so I say Now I know why your ex cheated on you. Yes.. I know very mean and wrong. The next morning I apologize profusely in a text. No response. I call him and leave a voicemail. No response. I give it a day and then text him again that Im terribly sorry and as stupid as the comment was it would be really dumb to throw away something that was good for something so stupid. No response. I make one last voicemail effort that night and I finally get a response and what a response I get. I will quote the texts verbatum as I cannot even believe how crazy he is:

Ken: stuff like that u cant take back. face it ur a btch..im done
Me: u havent exactlly been mr perfect. i just find it hard to believe u want nothing to do with me after 1 comment. seriously it was nothing else?
Ken: all ill do it look at u and think btch i wont be able to drop it
Me:hm..good luck finding the perfect girl who never messes up...if you do ask her if she has a brother for me. and if u think that comment makes me a btch..i cant even imagine what you would do if you knew the full story
Ken: What story?
Me:doesnt matter anymore..your done with me right
Ken: done. delete me and pretend i never existed
Me:that shouldnt be a prob..ill add you to the list of the other crazy aholes
Ken: i dont understand. u can twist it however u want for your blog. but u lost it. it was ur fault. deal with it how u want. seriously nothing says psycho like a bag full of a hundred things.
Me: i dont know what that means. i told you i messed up. i apologized. im a human being. i make mistakes. we had a good thing goin and u wanna end it cause i made a stupid comment. to me thats delusional
Ken: some mistakes cant be corrected. quote ur texts and see wat people say. ur PSYCHO. just face the fact that i can do much better than u.
Me:i was dating 2 people at once,,can you do better than that?
Ken: figured that. im fine with it. no one will be willing to put up with ur flat chest. like i couldnt tell. i know im smarter than u. i just wanted to hit it. i could care less what u do.
Me: yea cause ur midget height and slow retard talk is just a pleasure
Ken: good comeback. at least what i wrote was true. ur not a catch. f whatever u want. hope u get the hiv
Me: ok as fun as this has been im finished. have a lovely night midget man
Ken: have fun with bf number 2. who was it?

I didnt respond and clearly have not and will not speak to him again. Talk about sensitive!

Awkward encounter

Second date with Ryan, a 30 year old stock broker who lives in NYC. We meet up at a sushi bar on Wall St. on the coldest freakin night ever! I trek from Staten Island to this place to meet up with him so you know Im thinkin there may be some potential there. Everything is going ok at first, not great but ok. The conversation is somewhat strained. So eventually, the blunt and realistic person I am, I say something along the lines of "You seem uncomfortable". He says he is fine. We continue at attempting conversation for a while. It comes and goes in spurts. There is never a dull moment, but sometimes its flowing and sometimes there are brief awkward silences. Finally, he says to me "To be honest, you are a great girl, but I just dont feel like we can talk to each other" No sh*t!. Ive been trying since we sat down to make this less awkward. Then he says "I have never been so anxious for the bill to come." Wow, I got dissed! I am kinda offended but curious at the same time. So I say "Constructive criticism is always good. What was it?" He says that it was nothing specific and that he just thinks our personalities are too similar. No way do I wanna be similar to the guy who cant wait for the check to come. I at least attempted to dispell the awkwardness. So at this point, Im pissed that I traveled into the city on the coldest night EVER!, Im pissed he wants to get away from me, and Im pissed that I didnt get to order dessert. So I decide to tell him that I have a blog just to piss him off. He laughs at first, then I ask him what he would like to name his posting since I usually come up with names for failed dates. He asks for examples and I tell him Ive used midget and bug gums/little teeth. Once he realizes Im actually not joking, he asks if it can just be called awkward. I tell him Im usually a little more creative than that. (Winds up, I guess Im not.) He asks for the link so he can see the other dating experiences Ive had. Obviously I refuse as I will not give this guy any more entertainment since I got dissed! Guess all the negative things Ive said about other guys have come back to bite me in the arse!

Wednesday Adams meets a gorilla

A woman that I work with tells me she wants to set me up. Again, fine, what the hell? She says her financial adviser is 30 years old, single, cute, and smart. Sounds good, lets go! She calls him, he says for me to text him since he is at work and he will call me later. He calls me around 5pm. We talk for a bit, he sounds very nice, he is sarcastic (which I like) and sounds smart. He tells me he had a good meeting with his boss and would like to go out and celebrate. Ok, I have nothing to do. Its a Wednesday night. He comes to me and takes me out to dinner. I see him, and yea, not so cute. He is a little chubby, not fat, but there is clearly a belly there. His face is ok, I'd give his face a 7 until he starts to speak, but Ill get to that later. We go to an Italian Restaurant called Fiore di Mare. This translates to something with fish, i dont know exactly what. Anyway, he is allergic to all types of fish. What is with these guys and their wierd allergies? He orders something non-fish and seems content. He also order pea soup. Now, why would you order soup on a date? Its awkward to eat, in my opinion. He gets his soup and is slurping it, which is grossing me out. He pauses briefly to scratch his chest and when his shirt moves, I see the rug on his chest that lies beneath. Then as we're talking, I realize that when he speaks only the bottom part of his mouth moves like a dummy or a puppet. Picture it, you cant picture it without laughing. This is why he is called Wednesday Adams meets a gorilla. Obviously its an awkward smile if the top part of his lip doesnt move. Try speaking like that, its not possible, he should be in some sort of show. He would make a ton of money betting people that he can do it cause its impossible for normal people. Anyway.... dinner ends and he takes me home. I carry on the conversation most of the time. I feel like I need to give him a second date cause when I go to work the next day, the woman asks me how it went and seems excited. So he calls me and date 2 is the movies. I hate the movies, but whatever at least I wont have to watch him speak. We get there and he insists on ordering popcorn. Of course, why wouldnt the chubbo want some popcorn. He tries to put his arm around me at the movie. This does not fly with me, I tell him, I feel awkward with PDAs. After the movie, he takes me home and I tell him Im going speed dating cause I have exhausted all other areas of conversation and figure maybe he has done it before. He looks at me all indignant and says that is an inappropriate topic for a date. Ok buddy. He drops me off, tries to text me several times, I ignore them, and I have not heard from him again.

Big gums little teeth

I'm hanging out with a girl I used to work with one night. Her guy friend is there with us and starts asking me a million questions about why I dont have a boyfriend and what my ideal guy is like. So I tell him my checklist: atttractive, good job with decent money, college degree, sarcastic/funny sense of humor, outgoing, catholic, no more than 30 years old, never married, and not domineering (I would like to be able to push him around a bit). So he says he has the perfect guy for me and wants to set me up. I say fine because I obviously will date anyone at this point. The guy calls me and sounds really nice on the phone, he picks out a nice restaurant and we talk for the rest of the week through text messaging until the night of the date. He picks me up that night and the first thing I notice is that he has glasses and looks kinda dorky. Ok, no big deal. I can get over that. I get in the car and we have driven for about 5 minutes when he tells me that he broke up with his ex girlfriend because she was boring, and not good in bed. He even went so far as to say she only likes in missionary. THIS IS AFTER 5 MINUTES of small talk! Ok, fine, so we get to the restaurant and I order wine. He asks me if I plan on kissing him. I just look at him and laugh and he says, "well Im allergic to wine". Who the hell is allergic to wine? We sit down and eat, I drink 3 more glasses of wine because its like pulling teeth to have a conversation with him. He says he is nervous, I tell him to drink more and he will loosen up and I try to convince him Im not that scary. Then, I decide to ask him if he has ever tried contact lenses. He says "no, why, should I take off my glasses?". I say well then you wont be able to see. He proceeds to take them off and squints at me, trying to insist that he can see. Im assuming he was attempting to do this for me. I dont know. He gets tired of squinting and puts them back on. I was just trying to make small talk, I could care less if he wears glasses or not. Dinner ends, we get in the car and I tell him I want to meet my friend at a bar. He tells me he will drop me off there but he is not coming in cause he is not a bar person. He asks me several times if I want to watch a movie with him. Obviously I refuse. He drops me at home. Havent heard from him since.

Walter

Yup, his name is Walter. Who names their child that and actually expects them to turn out attractive and successful? In my opinion, that name = loser. But, I will not discriminate based on name alone when there are so many other reasons to dislike a person. Walter is a 30 year old real estate developer. Yea, I didnt know what that meant either until I asked him and found out it just means he sells real estate. We go to a restaurant in an up and coming area because its supposed to be really good and the area really is not that bad. Walter pulls up in a Lexus, sits in his car, and calls me to see if Im there. I am pulling up as he calls and he says "Oh, good. I didnt want to get out of the car here alone if you were not here yet." Does he think Im going to protect him? Wuss. We go inside and get some wine and appetizers. The food is really good, the place is cute, the guy not so much. He is balding (I'd say he has lost 50% of his hair). He is chubby (He probably could afford to lose 25-30 lbs). He is full of himself. Yea, I didnt get that either. If your name is Walter and you're chubby and balding, how could you be full of yourself? But he was. He talked about himself the whole time and about how successful he is and how much he travels. He asked me a few questions about myself and was not happy with any of my answers. For example: Walter says, "I enjoy traveling with tour groups. I go by myself and meet a ton of people. Do you like that?" I say, "No, I'd rather travel with friends. I dont think I would like going by myself." Walter says "Traveling is all about meeting new people. I guess you're not really into trying new things." Hm, thats not what I said but ok. The rest if the conversation was along the same lines, him saying he is great and us having nothing in common. We leave the restaurant, I say thank you, he says we should do this again sometime. He never calls me again. Now, I had no interest in Walter or dating him again, but Im kinda offended that he didnt like me either. I at least wanted the opportunity to reject him for date #2.

Woger Wabbit

Kevin is a 28 year old who works in sales. For the first date, we meet for drinks at a Mexican restaurant in NJ. Everything goes well. He seems really nice and he is cute. The only problem is that he has a speech impediment where he switches the letter "R" with the letter "W". Its not that bad and is not noticable at first but the more I concentrate on it, the more I hear it. So if he says something like "I ran really fast". All I hear is "I wan weally fast". Ok, Im letting it go because everything else meets my checklist criteria. He even owns his own house and fixed most of it himself which gives him some extra bonus points. On the first date, he told me that he knows how to cook which was his segway into inviting me over for dinner for Date 2. I think its kinda sweet that he wants to cook me dinner so I agree to it. After talking to one of my friends, I realize that its probably not the best idea in the world to go to some random strangers house for dinner the second time I hang out with him. But if you have been reading the previous postings, its pretty clear that I put myself into stupid situations and when it comes to guys, I do some things that dont make too much sense. So I go. He says he lives in Red Bank. Im driving for a while and actually have to travel through a desolate, woody area before I finally get to a log-cabin looking house. At this point, I have accepted the fact that I may not return home in one piece and have called my friend to tell her where I am in case she needs to send a search party after me. At this point, most people would turn around. Of course, I go in. Dinner is nice. His house is nice. And I actually dont get poisoned or molested, which are all big pluses. (Of course, at one point in the night after 2 glasses of wine, I am convinced that I have been slipped the date rape drug and I start to feel wierd and tingly. After I stop with the dramatics, I realize Im just feeling tipsy.) He calls me for a Date 3. We go to a restaurant in NJ thats BYOB. He remembers the bottle of wine that I brought to his house and brings the same wine to dinner. I think this is very sweet and thoughtful. He has a sarcastic sense of humor, which I typically enjoy. However, his sarcasm is even more blunt than mine and sometimes his comments just sound like digs. Im sure mine sound the same way sometimes, but I really wasn't getting it at some points and I think it was a tad bit meaner than mine, which I know is pretty hard to beat. Dinner is going fine until he starts to ask me about my previous relationships. I tell him I've had 3 serious relationships and a brief summary of why they didnt work. He questions the 2nd one, which just so happens to be with a guy who had a drug/crazy issue and was hospitalized for a short time to deal with his problems. Kevin says, "So you put this person in the hospital and then left him" I say no and try to explain the story again as briefly as I can. He says "Oh, so you broke up with him after he was in the hospital. Thats nice!" I say, no I stayed with him for a while after that cause I didnt think that was the right thing to do. He says "Oh, so you led him on and then dumped him." At this point, A) I dont want to talk about the demise of this relationship any further B) Im sick of explaining myself C) I'm starting to get very irritated with Woger Wabbit We are supposed to be going to the movies after dinner. We leave the restaurant and he asks me if I would like to get in his car (we have 2 separate cars). I say "Thank you for dinner but I think Im just going to leave now." He looks at me dumbfounded and says ok. I get in the car and get a text asking what happened. And I say "I'd rather not be abused on a date." He explains that he was just kidding. I explain that there is a difference between sarcasm and just being plain mean. Besides that speech impediment was really starting to bother me.

Speed Dating

January 27, 2009

My friend from work and I decide to go speed dating. I think its a fantastic idea as I am always up for some new dating entertainment. We go to tonic in NYC for "Speed dating a fireman". There are fifteen 3 1/2 minute dates. The girls sit at tables and when the time is up, a bell rings and the guys move. We get a couple of drinks and then sit down to start. Date 1 is staring at a girl sitting at the bar. I ask him Whats goin on and he says that he is here on a first date. My initial reaction is "Why the hell are you here?" He says that he promised his friend that he would go with him and forgot and then made a date with this girl. I suggest that he just leaves to hang out with the girl. Thank god the bell rings. Date 2 is a semi-normal guys that there was just no chemistry with. Date 3 is a Guatemalan trainer that trains firemen. He seems kinda normal and Im really lovin the accent. Date 3 is a real winner. He has an eagles leather-sleeved jacket on. (I forgot what those are called.) Anyway, he sits down and starts reciting random facts about the eagles from like 1995. The bell takes a really long time to ring for this one. He clearly has a form of autism. Im gonna go with Asperger's. Dates 4-8 are all semi normal, a bit older but just no chemistry there. Date 9, I get into a fight with. He is a huge meathead. He tells me that the first thing he looks for in a girl is body, then comes face, and then "whatever else". He asks me what I look for in a guy and I say personality comes first and a sense of humor. He says thats ridiculous and attraction needs to be first. We go back and forth for a while and then the bell rings. Date 10 is actually his friend, so im expecting another a**hole. He was actually really nice, lived close to me, and was semi-cute. His eyes are spaced a little close together, but I can live with it if I was willing to date a midget. Dates 11-14 are all a bit older, nothing significant. Date 15 was a Russian Jewish soldier that just got home from Iraq. Needless to say, he appeared to have some anger management issues. After the final date, my friend and I went to the bar for another drink. Date 10 came to talk to us and when we were getting ready to leave, I gave him my phone number. I figured one of us may want to be in touch with him again as he was the only semi-normal one there. Overall, the experience was very amusing. I would definitely go again and would recommend that anyone who would like a few laughs goes also!